9/20/2022
we're just floating around endlessly on a ball of absolutely nothing, a meaningless and constant perpetual loop of filth that won't change no matter how we try to change it.
we as organisms exist just to constantly suffer, with no true meaning to anything that we do. people have accepted this and just call it the circle of life, but fuck your circle.
the constant circle we go through is allowing the more powerful to stomp onto the weak, it's normal ... right??
we all have this mutual understanding of the circle we live in, and i don't just mean us by humans, i mean every single living organism fights for it's own life, no matter how insignificant it is.
most religions even dive into how our "creator" (mind you, i dont know what religion you have. i'm going based on the assumtion you're under the belief of a creator at all.) created a heaven, and a hell.
we accept this as a reasonable thing, that people have fucked up in our reality and that when we leave, we'll be punished for our actions and we deserve it if we ended up there.
but how does that make sense to you? how does that make sense to anybody? the person you worship and praise, dedicate your life to, banishing you for the rest of eternity because of the selfishness of itself. it cares not for if you better yourself, or even have the plans to better yourself. when you die, something you've done in the past that you've entirely forgotten because you thought you flipped your life around will come back to the surface as you make peace with your death and accept the expiration date given to you.
we fight for our survival, humans, animals, plants, the earth, the solar system, the galaxy, everything fights for itself.
while growing up you're blind and ignorant, you have dreams of being something huge in life. i dont know about you, but i dreamed of being a police investigator for the longest time. i've had the plan since middle school and it kept with me until the unnatural experiences of high school. the start of high school, everything shattered and went down hill. i was diagnosed with anxiety, schizophrenia, and a list of other things i wish not to be known or pitied for. and while that might be child's play to some, i am not saying anyone is below me, or above me. i was placed into a spot where everything i've ever dreamed of doing truely has left me, because of something i cannot control and will never be able to control.
why? why did "god" do this to me?
our saviour, our hope, our creator, has doomed specific entities to fail from the start of their life. everything in life is set upon luck, you have no choice in anything. people tell me to just fight harder, fight through whatever i'm feeling. i fucking fought, and i continue. this isn't whining for myself, it's a cry for help. i'm not seeking help for myself, im seeking help for our existance.
some might claim to be perfect beings, beings that will surely make it to everlasting happiness and heaven after their expiration date passes, and they're no longer with us. they help the needy, feed the homeless, they listen to whoever needs it, they claim to be a shoulder to lean on. but what are you really? are you someone or something that speaks of yourself in that way? do you really believe that you're the way you see yourself? as an angel? is that too much for you? maybe you just see yourself as a good "kindhearted" human being. well i could care less, to me you're nothing but a waste, you're a joke.
let's take a moment, and say you saw me, carrying a dead corpse over my shoulder, loading it into a trunk with blood soaking my clothes and my body tensed up and shaking as i turn to look at you. let me guess, that your first reaction would be fear? would you run? would you cry in disbelief? would you walk away and pretend you didnt see a thing?
please, take that same moment, and picture the same person you just saw, but change the context for me, and say the corpse was of a deer. you would think absolutely nothing of it, and you know you wouldnt. you really would just walk away and think to yourself "hah, must have caught himself some food." without a second thought.
please, explain to me why you believe the death of a deer, is completely justifyable, but the murder of something of your own kind is the most disgusting and gut wrenching thing that you can imagine?
is it because, you're a selfish person? no? then tell me,
allow me to ask this in a different way.
this next portion, is a question, that i want you to answer for yourself.
the deer, that i have murdered without thinking, is now dead. it's missing from the rest of it's family, they won't know where it's gone. i've just murdered an animal, and i've grilled it's lifeless body. i remember the pain in it's eyes as the bullet struck it's chest and i watched it bleed, screaming until it's final breath.
now. please invision the same fate of a dog
the dog, that i have murdered without thinking, is now dead. it's owner doesn't know where it went, maybe it ran away, maybe it was kidnapped or.. hopefully it just got lost. sadly, this is far from the truth. it has just been shot in the chest, yelping loudly and screaming for it's owner to be by it's side like they've always been. it's crying in pain, not because they're dying.. they don't know what death is like we do. it's crying because they're in extreme pain, they're confused, they want to be saved by the people that love them the most. this dog is loved, it wants to see it's family again. it cannot. it cannot move, it slowly cannot see. it's vision fades away as it dies a slow and painful death as it bleeds to death on the soil below it.
tell me, why is it that you believe the death of the dog is more disgusting? why is it more impactful? why am i a monster for killing the dog? take away the fact that it was a dog, and replace it with a deer, and suddenly i'm just a fucking hunter that is getting food for himself.
you think the dog is cute? you think it's a friend? you believe that it shouldn't die because you were programmed to treat specific animals with higher respect, and you will refuse to believe that. you see someone eating a dog, you will call them disgusting, a foul piece of shit that deserves to die. you think they deserve to rot in hell. and now, you go back home and eat your delicious beef burger, your bacon, your fried chicken, your steak, whatever the fuck you want to eat.
i will do this one last time, and flip this around onto you.
you are disgusting, you constantly allow the murder of animals and allow animals to murder each other. you don't save an animal from attacking another, you watch. you laugh at it, you enjoy the show. you see humans fighting, you feel some sort of way, and that in itself is being a selfish waste of space. realize that the circle of life that you love to associate with death, is really the true meaning of life. you live to die. your purpose in life is to die, you do not matter in the end, you'll rot away in hell because you consume the flesh of innocent animals and care not about what sort of life they lived, what they wanted to do, what family they had; you just wanted food on the table, didnt you?
i am NOT protesting the consumption of animals, because it's our cycle and that's what we do, it will never be stopped. i will continue to eat animal's every single day, because that's what we do, that's what we've accepted as a normality, and even i, the delusional text on your screen accepts it as a normality.
remember, i am not calling you a foul creature, i'm calling us foul. we as a life form, not a species, are wastes. we were created to be under someone, under something. every animal is under us, we're on the top of the world. humans lead everything, and something leads us. you don't know what that is, and neither do i. what i do know is, we were created to die, created to suffer. everything has death, us, our plants, animals, everything. and if we want to believe in something, why is it a god? why would we worship something that created us? we're just a joke that exists to please something higher then us. you have to be fucking retarded to believe we exist to be good people, and please our "god". you will do your absolute best to try to please him, and he will strike you down to hell and allow you to suffer even more. i know im going, and i cant wait to see you there.
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9/21/2022
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i wonder how many people live a double life? i know the thought of that confuses some, and some have completely different definitions. allow me to explain what i mean by a double life.
i live three lives, all entirely different from one another. i do this to fill the incompleteness that i feel constantly. i hide my face, emotions, hell i hide everything from each person that i encounter in each life, because i do not want them to know my true life, i want them to know what i want them to know. i don't do it because i have no trust for them, nor do i feel like i'm "lying" to them. i'm simply attempting to live the life that i wish to live, without someone constantly pushing me away from my goals. sure, the goals might be simple in nature and might not even be worth having such a split in my life, but here i am, talking to myself in .html in the hopes that i keep my mental stability. i think of this as apart of my 3rd life. i am lucille, lucy, whatever you would like to call me. i have other names, which obviously won't be named and i have no interest in letting you know what they are, because if you've stumbled upon this, you either don't know me at all, or you know me as lucille and i'll keep it that way; because that's what i want you to know.
some might think that means i'm hiding something dark, disturbing, or maybe just something that might ruin a relationship between you and i? but i see it as a way to protect myself. i am someone who identifies as "it/they", though i much prefer "it". this isn't to objectify myself nor am i using it to degrade myself or others that use pronouns (trust me, people get fucking heated when they hear me referring to myself as an "it" since they see it as "transphobic" or whatever, and if you're one of those people you can go fuck yourself). i see "it" as my primary pronoun, because i do not see myself as others see themselves. i don't want to hear "she/her/he/him" because this would level me as the same as everyone else, and i don't want to be like everyone else. i'm not "trans-species" if that's what it's called, i just made that word up but i do know that i am a human (plus that sounds like furry bullshit). i see myself as a part of the world, as should you. you don't need to follow the same pronoun belief i have, but i think you should open your eyes and realize you're more then just a person instead of a common human with the same attributes as everyone else. you're a brain, a brain that is piloting a fleshy body that can do whatever it pleases, entitle yourself how you'd like, do what makes you happy. and that's the point i'm trying to get to.
i live my triple life because otherwise, those in my 1st and primary life will degrade me, bring me down and destroy me as if i'm a creature of filth. because i am someone that i want to be, and not what they want me to be. what the world wants me to be, is a god fearing, run of the mill citizen that abides by the rules laid out for me. i'm meant to look up to particular figures, i'm supposed to try to be the "smart" kid, the one that knows how to follow a specific mindset, and by the chance that i do anything my own way, i'm nothing anymore. you're instructed to do a task, and i'll make it simple for my example.
"i want you move this box from point A to point B, carry it with your hands and walk there."
sounds simple enough, and nothing to complain about. but, say you're born with a different body then others? the box is heavier then you expected, it wasn't something you prepared for. you cannot finish your task because of something you cannot control, so you think of an easier way to do it.
ah, look at that! something that'll allow you to bring your unsuspecting box from point A to point B without a worry! it's completely safe, and it'll get the job done without a problem! ...... right?
"i told you, bring it to point B with your hands, and walk there. you've made a mistake, you didn't do what i asked you properly, next time learn your place and do as you were told to and stop trying to figure out your own ways to do things. you're a lazy bastard, you want the easy way out of everything."
ah... no longer as simple as you expected. you've now upset someone because you've done something in a way that benefits you, something that now makes you appear weak and unfit to complete other tasks correctly.
of course, this is making it extremely simple, and i don't think anyone is going to get punished for something so simple...
in 2009, during a small birthday party for my cousin, i watched a boy (age 11) get brutally beaten until he was unconscious in a small puddle of his own blood. that boy, was required to take a box of canned food from the garage to the kitchen, and without a question he complied. he arrived back with a smile on his face, pleased with himself as he finished the task without a problem! though, his father felt.. "embarrassed". i don't know if that's a good word to describe such a disgusting pig, because what he proceeded to do was much more embarrassing and disgusting, and landed him without a wife and without a child for the rest of his miserable life. he immediately raised his clutched fist, and bashed onto the childs skull as the child fell and his face slammed onto the counter of the kitchen, busting open his eyebrow and leaving him crying on the floor begging for forgiveness, for something he didn't even know why he was supposed to be apologizing for. "what did i do?" "i got what you wanted." "i'm so sorry" . . . "what did you want" . . . that final question is what infuriated the father. he kicked away the hand truck that was used to carry the box, and reached into the box. he pulled out one of the cans, yelling at the top of his lungs; "i wanted you to do exactly what i told you, but you had to be a fucking embarrassment infront of everybody". he gripped his son by the hair, lifting him up and bashing the can into his face numerous times. everyone immediately came to the child's aid, everyone screaming at the top of their lungs inaudible things as i cried in the corner hoping it would all stop. i couldn't help, i couldn't do anything, i started to feel dread as i watched them drag the father out of the house as he was kicking and screaming how he's going to kill us all, how terrible of a family we are.
i still can't comprehend what the fuck was rolling into his head, why this happened, and what the boy must've been thinking. i don't know where he is now, if he's even alive.
i live my triple life, because if i were to explain to the people i am surrounded by, how i feel, what i am, what i want to be, i will be rejected. i live a triple life because i may die if i reveal myself to other people. in my primary life, i must act as obidient and careful as possible. i must pretend that everything is fine and that i will be a perfect good little pet for whoever is considered "above me". i must live in the image of what people expect me to be.
i don't want to do what you want. i want to live how i want, and exist how i want to exist.
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9/22/2022
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what am i to say today? i feel like dog shit, i drown myself in nostalgia to hide my feelings. i constantly sit here at 4 am trying to not cry my eyes out as i see my childhood fade away. this is a me problem, im not blaming anyone. this is something that i should have expected for a long time now, but now that it's hitting me harder day after day it's becoming so unbearable that i just want to end it. i don't want to leave the people that care about me behind, but sometimes it feels like so much just ramping up over and over again. before i went to sleep yesterday, i took 20mg of buspirone and had the most extreme and vivid nightmare ive ever had; one that fucked me up so badly that i still cannot stop thinking about it. i would wake up and start crying just to want to badly go back to sleep in order to feel closure for what was happening. everything felt so real, it was a sharp turn from just moments before i was genuinely crawling to my bed because of how much pain i was in. i felt like my soul was trying to leave it's body, i was genuinely terrified i might've overdosed and maybe might've accidentally killed myself because i've never taken this medicine before, i don't know what doseage i was supposed to be taking. but the dream felt so comforting, yet so harsh. i felt like i was genuinely in another realm of existence, yet a perfectly real one. i was in a mirror of my own reality where i saw my home, and my mother. her screaming at me for how ignorant i've become. her gripping my neck tightly as i begged. i woke up as she started to inflict pain onto me, it felt so real that my body jolted up and i broke down. i don't know what i did wrong...
i try my best to go back to sleep, with the medicine being so potent i constantly feel it's effects the entire night. i can't tell the difference from my eyes being closed or not, i see through my eyelids. i felt myself drifting out of reality and into my dream again, now having equal playing field, even though thats not what i wanted. i struck my mother with an open hand multiple times, screaming at her how badly she's hurt me, how much i hate her for putting me into this world. i hate myself for even thinking of hating her, because i don't. but this dream had fully convinced me that she was the destructor of my life, and my fucking enemy. as i slapped her across the face for a third time, she said a threat to me that i do not remember, but i know that was what woke me up again. i woke up in a cold sweat, barely able to breathe but i needed closure- i needed it badly. i kept all 3 of my blankets on top of me (dont judge how many blankets i have, it be getting cold) and curled up into a ball. i fell back asleep just to find myself in bed, i was dreaming about being exactly where i fell asleep. i couldn't go back and i was stuck, i was stuck in my bed as if i was spectating everything around me. i was forced to listen to my mother scold me for what i've done in my life as if she was trying to tell me that i'll be punished.
i'm scared. i just want to kill myself. that's all i want to do anymore. all i do is cry myself to sleep and let nostalgia carry my happiness. god please help me.
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7/23/2023
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damn, it's been a long long time. to the people who've seen this, thanks for taking the time to read however much you read. you could have read literally 2 words and said "fuck that text wall".
i originally made this as a venting site, it wasnt exactly meant to be public; just a diary for myself. it's not meant to be stylistic or used for aesthetic purposes but i guess thanks for the people who made it all the way down here and listened to my life.
i removed a decent chunk of the site from the 2015-2020 era due to neocities violations literally forcing me to remove them, so im sorry if you wanted to see them. seeing the view count and shares, i'll assume it's archived somewhere.
off to my adventures, love yall. my life has been better; hope yours is going better too.